Forward..........

I was unable to get to a computer yesterday. I will write about that in a bit. The most significant day of growth in my life yet. Suffice it to say, in the midst of a torrent of emotion, I knew two things about Monday--it was Mosaic Monday and I wanted to present a mosaic, and it was the full moon and I wanted to present my dreamboard. After a whirlwind day yesterday, the idea for the mosaic came to me this morning. Without knowing what I was facing, a friend texted me the following:
" Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

With that, I present my mosaic---rainbows represent to me the majesty and beauty of God, the intricate design of the universe, the fact that there is radiant magnificence after a storm; ah but you have to be mindful and aware to view it, and open to receive it....

My full moon dreamboard: Well. In the midst of turmoil, I thought perhaps I wouldn't do a dreamboard. I felt discouraged and dreaming is new to me anyway, so I didn't think I'd miss it. Right after that thought, I went through a folder of cutouts I had set aside and a few magazines for clippings and my dreamboard was assembled. I am serious when I say that already in the one day I had it assembled, the obvious facets of it were handed to me. I went to yoga and we did one million mindful sit ups (okay not one million, but it felt like it!). I was paid money. I had a conversation of utmost honesty. I stayed true to my authentic self. My heart is open like a radiant flower. Already, in one day, as my dreamboard lay on my table, not even hanging in it's place yet..already the universe heard and blessed me. My November dreamboard:

As for yesterday, I knew that at 12:15 I would be having a follow up very important conversation to the one on Saturday. I did not want to have this conversation because it forced me to choose between authenticity to myself and what I stand for, or crossing a threshold involving huge pain. Well, I decided I'd have to go to yoga before holding this conversation. Huge because it shows me how important yoga is to me. I knew to be centered to face this. My teacher set the intention for class to open our heart chakra. My immediate reaction was please no, not my heart, not before this conversation, please let it be my big toe or something seemingly inconsequential. But, I chose these resources for this journey, and I choose to stand in faith, so I opened my heart chakra. In my practice, whatever I challenge in class then has a direct correlation in life. I did it. I did the full range of opening. Wide and full.

I went to my conversation. With my sailing friend. Took more courage, more faith than I ever thought I possessed. To offer sincere forgiveness, to apply grace, but to stand my ground. Because I know God brought me here to this point prepared to bring me even farther, and I know that I am surrounded by the positive energy and abundance in the Universe, and I know I need to cross this threshold. I listened, and then I spoke my first conversation I've ever in my life had like this. To say I loved you and you hurt me, and here is how. Not criticizing, not blaming, just stating the facts. There is a pattern that needs to be broken and wounds to heal and we cannot do that together. The one person I trusted and let closer than anyone in my life, is the one person who hurt me most. I couldn't believe my legs were strong enough to walk away. I immediately threw up. The mind/body connection is huge for me--have been vomiting ever since. I know it is to purge, I know it symbolizes an overload. It was the most I've ever shared in my life and my biggest hurt--trumps everything else. I know how to heal and grow and learn and take what I need to from this.

I know that out of your greatest pain comes the greatest beauty. I absolutely believe that. My eyes may be full of tears but I went to the beach and praised God for each and every good memory, for the dream of living on the boat, for my ability to sail, for all that we shared that helped us both to shine. I asked the Universe and God to show me the way, to make beauty, to radiate through me in ways that couldn't happen before. I am confident that much good will come of this, as long as I remain true to myself and my path. I stand in Faith. Strong Faith. I will commemorate this huge moment somehow, I am not sure how, but I will.

My children provided valuable lessons for me yesterday evening. Directly after my conversation, I had a few minutes then had to pick them up from school. Believe me, I wanted to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there indefinitely. But, that is not viable--especially on a sunny afternoon--so I picked up my children and told them we are going to celebrate. That there is distance between myself and my friend and we need to do something positive...they chose to buy their own Siamese fighter fish. They were so happy to pick them up, took great care in the process, then to set up their own bowls, and they made a detailed list for me while I "fish sit" while they are at school. But, in the midst of that my daughter looked at me and said she was worried it would die, what if the fish she absolutely loved dies....Whew...teaching moment. I took a breath, and told her "Sweetie, I'm glad you love your fish, and I know you will take care of it best you can, and if it dies you will be sad and we will love you through it". Right. I want to say, please love, love with all of your heart, revel in it, and if it ends take the joy from it and use it to grow your love for something new and beautiful. Don't let the fear of future hurt keep you from experiencing the present magnificent joy. But I kept it at her level--we'll start with the fish:)

Second lesson. Later that evening my son told me "I am happy you told us you are sad about your friend, because what happens in your life always happens in mine and you show me how to do it." Wow. He said he knows there are people in his life he'd rather not be friends with but lets them "stay" because it's easy. Wow. I am so glad I chose the right steps to heal. I had to stop to vomit, but I kept going with our evening. Every once in a while tears would flow, and we'd comment, then keep on whatever we were doing. Because I am accountable for my actions, and my son put it best--I am showing them how to do it. I want them to know if they are hurt, or feel afraid or stuck, I will stand with them, and we will think of options to help them. And to pray and to go to a place in nature you feel comfortable.

Next, I mentioned to my son that someone we know is involved with one of the teenagers trying to sail single hand solo around the world. My son asked how long would it take and I said about 18 months and he said "You should do that mom. We would miss you terribly, but wouldn't that be the best adventure for you?". Now it is not even remotely an idea in my mind, but isn't that true love---to support the dreams of the person who gives you the most even if it means "losing them" for a while. Amazing little ones I have!

And the third, most poignant lesson. My children received money for Halloween from their grandparents. They were thrilled. My daughter bought a book she has wanted for some time. When we got home, she refused to study for a hard test. Her discipline was that she cannot have her book until she gets a good grade on her test. See, I love her dearly, but still had to take her most prized possession to get her to follow the path I know is correct and best for her--coax her along. Isn't that what God does, the Universe nudges....I can question all I'd like, why why why??? but the point is, sometimes the thing you value most is what needs to be removed for you to continue to grow and move along your path. Not as punishment, out of love.

I ask for signs. I pray. There were many in the day. It is my choice to acknowledge them, or avoid them, but typically since I asked for them I try to receive them. The most obvious one of the entire day--my Zen quote:

"Madame, there are always two paths to take; one back towards the comforts and security of death, the other forward to nowhere" Henry Miller....

'K So I'm moving forward, not sure where exactly I'm going, but I think it's to the peaceful, love filled, faith based, joyful, abundant life I've been striving toward:) .....And I dearly appreciate the love and good energy you all share, as well as the wisdom and encouragement.

Much peace.......