"The Chocolate Cake Sutra" Mosaic Monday

I look for inspiration from many different sources. One I turn to often is "A Touch Of Grace" on http://cherylrichardson.com . The idea is that when you are facing a challenge and would like inspiration you can go to "click here for a touch of grace" for your divine message on your subject. Well, as we all know, there are no "easy answers"--although sometimes I'd certainly like one--as in touch this button and the answer will clearly appear and be done for you. When I recently used this tool, my word was "connect". Oh great! And my message was: "Find your center. When we stay connected to our spiritual care, the best and most advantageous path unfolds before us". Exactly what I know, but still requires work on my part--stay centered, be patient, do what you know, the path is right there unfolding.....

I also love reading. I firmly believe that "doing" is better than reading; I need to live life fully rather than only reading about living life fully. For me, though, it's nice to read about someone steps ahead of me for encouragement, motivation, inspiration, wisdom. I know I can't exactly follow their footsteps, but it is reassuring to know I am not alone, and that our paths may differ but lots of us strive for the same result--peace, joy, abundance, a faith full life.

Mosaic Monday: Chocolate Cake--oh yeah:)

My latest little gem of a book is "The Chocolate Cake Sutra" by Geri Larkin. It was given to me by a friend; that is the best kind of book--given by a friend who knows it will touch me in some way. During this time of transition, I am trying to be mindful of healing and growing well and fully; and I sure do love chocolate cake, so I knew that this little book could "speak" to me. And it sure did!

To explain the gist of the book, from chapter 1 (pg 12):

"A melt in your mouth chocolate cake is the perfect metaphor for where we can land if we introduce the correct ingredients into our lives. When the ingredients merge and melt together, we become spiritual warriors, able to take slings and arrows of planet life in stride, with grace and a grin. The ingredients? Genuine generosity; ethical conduct mixing in whistle blowing as an art form; extreme tolerance; energetic effort; clearheadedness; opening our arms to crazy wisdom; living life as an adventurer; being a true friend; and bringing so much wisdom to our own tables that we might as well change our middle names to Yoda.

Each ingredient matters. It's like that cake. Without some of the ingredients, you might be able to create an okay cake. But if you use all of them, Betty Crocker herself will smile from the heavens."

Well, if I'm going to splurge on calories, I want my cake to be fantastically divine. So divine I forget everything else. I won't settle. Shouldn't I have the same attitude about life and how I'm living it? Energy is precious and I need to be mindful about how I share it, how I share all in life, while I'm honoring the Divine flow. As the author mentions, each ingredient is important to the success of the cake; just as balance is important in life, I want it all to gel together to create something delectable, not to have gotten to the baking part and realize I've forgotten something important. While you can improvise with flavoring, baking requires precise measuring; I want to make sure I am organized yet spontaneous enough to enjoy the process.

I love to cook, and am known for my talents in the kitchen. My secret is to light candles, put on music, and think of the person or group I am cooking for, anticipating their delight at my culinary creation, and that energy and love is presented along with my dish and gets rave results every time. I can give you the recipe for the dish, but when you prepare it you will find something is missing; it will taste good, but it won't have the same depth. When I am severely distraught I am unable to cook, not even something simple. My heart literally goes into the process. And I live exactly the same way--my heart is in every single step; so even if I choose to misstep, my heart is still there yet heavy and I am unable to step. Pretty simple. So it's silly for me to look externally for answers when the answer is the same every single time. Quiet, center, listen to my heart, follow it. That is my life path.

So, in the book, the author explains the importance of preheating the oven (prework and organization). Each chapter then covers an ingredient; for example the first ingredient is joy. The author is not at all "preachy"; she writes with understanding, with humor, with delight in life. An excerpt from the joy chapter as she writes about moving from Detroit, where she lived for years (pg 38):

"I asked myself what the city had taught me. The answer was a surprise. Not that people are good; I knew that. Not that life sucks a lot of the time; I knew that too. Detroit had taught me the behaviors that lead to this life in which I get to see the divine--or God or whatever label you need to use--in the eyes of everyone, infusing everything. It had taught me joy.

In Buddhism, we accept that there are ten thousand sorrows in every life. At the same time there are ten thousand joys.....Generosity is the behavior that starts the joy parade. Generosity is the practice of giving joy."

As she describes each ingredient, they are familiar yet there is so much to be reminded about the complexity within each. Such pratical advice for living a full spirited life. In wrapping up the book, she describes the importance of baking the cake (p 107):

"When all of the ingredients of the Chocolate Cake Sutra come together, they naturally feed each other and deepen. They merge into one delicious life. We naturally become more compassionate and kind. Our sense of humor deepens as we experience more and more of the world as just plain funny.

We become wise.

Like Gilgamesh, we discover that wisdom isn't an object to be grasped. And it can't be passed on. My mother can't make me wise as mush as she wants to. I can't make you wise. you can't make anyone you love wise, either. In Zen we have a saying that a teacher can only point to the moon. It means that you and I have to do our own work. We have to have our own adventures. But when we do, wow.

Even when our path isn't clear, wow. In those times, which these days is all the time, all we can do is keep taking the next step....."

That what it all boils down to every time. I have to be open, ready, and willing, and do my own work. No one can do it for me. And always to take the next step. With faith, with courage, even in fear and doubt, just keep stepping forward, baby step or giant leap at a time.

Much peace.......

Joy

I write this today with great joy in my heart.

I have three friends who are talented photographers. One friend has asked me repeatedly throughout the last three years to let her take our family photos. I have not "felt ready" until now. My hesitation had nothing to do with physical appearance--we are all photogenic. My hesitation was that following my separation five years ago, I felt insignificant and numb. It took me a while to "find myself" during that period. While finding myself, I allowed compromise to touch my life; I know photos capture spirit, and I didn't feel mine was in alignment. It is very much in alignment now. Very much something to celebrate!

Two days ago, we met my friend at the beach for a photo session. She suggested another location, but I knew my comfort beach was the right spot. It's where I ran laps during my separation and divorce, where I go to soak in wonder, where I praise, where my life's most defining moments are played out. This would be yet another threshold, and I wanted to celebrate on this beach. I've posted some of my favorite photos to share...my family is not good at "posing" but we excel at loving and laughing and having fun. It is one of my family's favorite spots so we were ultra comfortable. I think she captured our enthusiasm and exuberance more than any words can....So many people have touched mine and the children's lives in so many ways--each one was there on that beach with us in spirit. Thank you for all that you share......

This morning I woke with a sense of wonder. It will sound odd to read, but it was the first moment it hit me that I, Joy, I live on a boat. This girl from upstate NY with not much material to my name, with all that I've experienced in life, has made a dream come true; I am a single mother raising my two young children on a sailboat. On my own. Yes we have supportive loving people around us, but the hard work of all of it, that is me. Those precious children, those are mine--I stayed at home with them for 8 years and I put my heart and soul into raising them, and I enjoy every moment with them. That precious dog, she is mine, I've waited a very long time for a dog, and she is more perfect than I could have imagined. This little life, this is all mine. Wondrous.

In that spirit, I journaled my gratitude and I'd like to share a little here.

I am thankful--so very thankful-- for a faith that sustains me. For a God who is loving and kind, and most patient. For the positive energy and abundance of the universe that surrounds myself and the children. Everything, absolutely everything, I could possibly want or ask for in life is already right here at my fingertips, I just need to be ready and open to it all.

I am so very glad to have such a bright light inside of me. Exuberance, adventure, joy, peace..just flooding my little heart, and always there to share. There is an amazing flow of energy right there for me to tap into and share.

I am so blessed to be the mother of my children. Little angels that God trusts me with. Most precious, most beautiful. Sometimes teach me far more than I could ever teach them. They reflect back to me exactly who I am, and I am proud to watch them incorporate my strongest traits into their own.

I am filled with wonder at the fact that I actually live on my sailboat. I appreciate this supreme opportunity and I am ready to give my absolute best in moving forward with her. She is a home, a place of comfort, joy, peace, love, fulfillment for myself and the children, and those close to us. I love my backyard--the ocean, the hills, the sky, the islands--and all of the experiences we choose to have there.

I don't have much materially, but I do have exactly enough to manage to cover our necessities and every once in while some treat. I manage to stretch what I do have to cover emergencies for my friends and family. I say "I manage"--it's not me at all, it's definitely beyond me, I just stay open to faith and it covers our life. And impacts those we love.

I am so thankful for friendships. I am been fortunate to love deeply and purely on all levels, to have met some of the most amazing people, to have learned so much from those put into my life. Friendships sustain me, encourage me, enable me to be exactly who I am.

I got my test results back and found that the cancer has not spread to my organs. So, it is in my lining and will require surgery and radiation. Both seem very doable to me; I am healthy and strong and can do this. I would not choose this path, but I am equipped to handle it; I know the lesson in it is to be mindful in life, of my life; to appreciate all that I do have, to keep growing and moving forward, to become who I am meant to become. Life is precious and I know that and live that.

I know without a doubt, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, exactly who I am supposed to be, and that this is just the beginning of a new path that is going to be ultra fulfilling and joyful. There is an underlying peace in everything--there are challenges to be dealt with, but I know they are the right challenges; there is love to enjoy, there is life to live.

My little haiku:

Continuously

Flowing energy..

Does enliven me!

"But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep" -Robert Frost

Much peace.......

Random Thoughts...Mosaic....

This morning as we were getting ready, Kevin looked startled. I asked him what was wrong, and he said my jeans scared him. I asked what he meant and he said I looked at you from behind and you look so different, I just don't want to lose you.

Profound. Because this particular pair of jeans hasn't fit for the last two years. I've lost a lot of weight recently. I'm hoping it's due to healthy habits and exercise; I've released a lot emotionally and maybe that has manifested physically as well. The thing is that later in the day we were walking at the harbor looking at different stores, and I looked into the mirror and thought wow, who is that??? And, it was me. I didn't even recognize myself. I think the reflection was peaceful, happy, enjoying the day. I have changed. In many ways. It's going to be a bit of an adjustment. Here I am today in my jeans:

I've made the decision to accept Ginger lovingly into our family. My wise friend did make a ramp--a magnificent ramp--just like he said. This whole process has involved lots of faith and trust; having Ginger and my wise friend involves opening my heart and keeping it open. All of the newest steps forward in all areas of my life involve faith. I am striving for peace; and lately have found it in huge abundance.

Our latest adventure was to bring Ginger on a hike. I do not have adjectives to describe the day. We usually hike with friends, but on this day it was just us. The sun was shining, the day was warm, the sky was so clear that from the hills we could see the ocean glistening in the distance. We were gone for hours. The kids brought a soccer ball, I brought snacks, we hiked, we played, we ate...Glorious!!! At the end, Ginger and I rested under a tree while the kids kicked the ball. I looked up and saw the clouds, Ginger rolled onto her back and I pet her belly. She was utterly comfortable and at ease. I was utterly happy. It hit me then this is the feeling I get while sailing. I lost track of time. Was in the precise moment with my children and Ginger. Forgot about cancer and possible treatments, forgot about any worries, forgot everything for hours; I felt healthy and whole and refreshed. I lay in the sun, so very glad to be exactly where I am.

This is my mosaic to honor our hike yesterday. I think our happiness shines through:

My biggest lesson of the day (of my life lately) is that I really wanted my wise friend to join us. I know he would have, but I never asked. I wanted him to come because bringing Ginger was new to me, and he could buffer any discomfort I felt. I'm glad he didn't come because the dynamic of the day was exactly what I needed. I needed to know that I could do it by myself. Happily and peacefully. And then the next hike he can accompany us out of sheer pleasure. That is what I often do, ask my close friends to help when I think I can't do something, then I never learn how fully I can stretch. That is what I am working on changing. That is partly why the day was so fantastic. That is partly why the transition with Ginger is so fantastic. I have done it on my own. Accepted full responsibility. And now I am involving the children with the responsibility. And will involve my wise friend.

At church this morning I raised my hands in praise to the chorus of a song singing :"Please Jesus come, come down on me..." Hands raised, arms outstretched, full heart, hope, joy, faith... Then I thought how can I possibly ask Jesus to come, knowing He will, and then when He is present in my life tell him, oh I'm not ready, not willing, not able...whatever excuse I come up with to deflect the latest blessing. Wow. So, my work is to be ready, able, willing.....The same with the universe. Every night I look at the moon and ask to be open and receptive to blessings, so how can I possibly ask, then be afraid to receive and ready to deflect when they are given. That is my work then, to remain open and receptive.

As I was thinking this, a couple shared their testimony with us. The gist is that they were addicted to drugs, lost their children, were on this path for years, then together decided to turn their lives around, and had to work on their solo paths while helping each other. Now they are clean and rebuilding their lives. They shared their story to emphasize the point of forgiveness, forgive yourself and start clean and fresh with the day you are on. There was not a dry eye in church. Mine included. I've made huge mistakes, and I've had to learn to be as gracious with forgiveness of myself as I am in forgiving others. So, open heart, still/again/more....

And last, I am reading "The Chocolate Cake Sutra" by Geri Larkin and she tells a story about how she lives in Detroit and in her neighborhood there is a huge rat problem. She prayed, meditated, asked her neighbors for solutions....and after exhausting her options, she sat and observed and realized the most obvious. The rats were attracted to the garbage--if there was no heaps of garbage there would be no rats. Huge epiphany for me. She meant it literally, but in my life I have been busy cleaning and straightening my boat, my emotions, my life...."my garbage"...so where there is no garbage, there is no rats..how relieving. No wonder I feel so light and free lately! There is no wonder cure, just elbow grease, faith, and one little baby step followed by yet another baby step.

Lots of peace for this week............

Mosaic Monday......Boat life........

When I woke this morning, I was thinking and then journaling about the concept of a phenomenal woman. Quite profound:) Then, the day took over, so I'd like to share that with you instead.

Tess mentioned she likes the stories of "boat life". I realized that lots of people around me are quite entertained by my life on the boat; perhaps because I have a sense of humor about my experiences. I've found that sense of humor and delight to be the only reason I have persevered at boat life; without it I would have moved back to land quite some time ago. The fact that my children also share my sense of humor and delight (partly because they have no choice, if I am laughing at what they consider extreme, it must be funny then; partly because it is often funny) makes boat life that much easier.

I've written much about how my journey on and with my boat parallels my journey in life. I've lived on her for two and a half years. Forty square feet with two young children; all of us full of energy. Yet, somehow her living space expands to our lives and we've found that for a while we fit extra people who needed a spot to stay, and now the dog, and during certain dock festivities I've found that 22 people, most of whom I did not know, can fit comfortably on her. That reflects my life--I often feel that in a material sense I barely have enough to cover myself, yet faith has stretched that to provide abundance that I readily share with those around me. Even when I am afraid and attempt to make my world small, faith grows it far beyond my wildest dreams.

The previous owners lived on her for twelve years. They didn't sail her--she basically stayed in the slip the entire time. My personal thought is that is "boat abuse"--hulls need to taste ocean water, feel the lap of the waves against the bottom, sails need to be raised and pocketed with wind. When I first bought her, I took her right out--imagine my surprise when upon my return neighbors were lined up. They thought the owners had died and that she was hauled away to be sold--they never expected she could sail, and would return. The first sailing season, I took her out quite a few times, even though she wasn't quite safe due to the need for repairs, I wanted to see what she could do. I wanted to change the energy on and around her, and I knew part of that meant taking her out, pushing us both, and then learned part of that was to acknowledge the time to sit in the slip.

This past year has been one of repair for us both. When I bought her, I knew she was a project boat but I had my sailing friend's word--and expertise-- that he would bring her to where she needed to be. I thought I could trust that because I had helped him succeed through a huge crises in his life. I found out some people are not who they say they are--surprises me every time. I felt discouraged and disillusioned because I listened to my heart, as always, which brought me to the brink of a dream, then left me pretty much wiped out on all levels. I'm an excellent sailor, but hadn't had to learn repairs because my sailing friend was always there, so I had a choice. I could give up or I could put my heart into it, and make it my dream. The fact that my ex-husband has never approved of boat life and believes raising the children on the boat is a disservice to them, is also a huge factor.

I can't exist in limbo-- I either "do it" or I don't. Last January, I was in survival mode; I had a huge choice to make--to walk away and start fresh, or to go for it wholeheartedly. I needed to make this choice because I am made to thrive, it's my essence. So, I made the choice to "do it". For the first time in my life I am wholeheartedly going for a dream. Pretty much by myself, pretty much with lots of opposition. The best that can happen..shoot that happens daily--there are unexpected surprises, joys, wonders and I appreciate every one of those. The worst that can happen...is not even that I can "fail". I've grown too much to fail--that is the ultimate reward. I guess technically "fail" would mean that I am unable to repair the boat to safe sailing standards, or for some reason have to move back to land. Ah, but this journey has been amazing and opened so many doors, the adjective "fail" does not apply--I have already far exceeded any of my own personal expectations, and this part now is pure delight. My ultimate lifelong goal has been to live on a boat. I have done that. My boat is my home--a comfortable spot of peace and joy that people gravitate toward, and one of my favorite spots in the world to be. I find pure contentment within her, and I love her. It took me two years to get to that point--I love her.

So, let me share a bit of life today. The thing that kind of changed my "phenomenal woman" thinking. Here is a snippet of my boat life:

I worked late last night. When I got home, I had to walk Ginger. I am afraid to walk Ginger then because it is 1am, and the park has dark shadows across it, and it's quite cold..perfect setting for a horror movie....and a big imagination! The truth about Ginger is that two weeks ago when my wise friend gave her to me he said he would build a ramp so she could negotiate the stairs, and he would walk her at night when I work every other weekend. Well, my wise friend has not built a ramp, nor did he walk her; and I cannot explain why. I can only say I have decided I love Ginger and I will make this work regardless of the obstacles. I have decided that Ginger is part of my household, and I do not need to throw pearls at swine (thank you Nadia, I remind myself of this often!). I let my disappointment go, and I will figure out what I need to as far as Ginger. I am responsible for my part, and my part is that Ginger is a joy, and that means I was walking her at 1am. Blah:( But, I did it. And while walking I noticed that the sky was crystal clear--ethereal one that I am I love the night sky and was able to look up and pick out constellations, and think about the moon and dreaming, and how blessed I was to be able to enjoy that moment.

Ah, then I could not get Ginger through the gate down the dock to our steps. She was petrified. The previous night as we were walking and I was not feeling particularly gracious about it, we had quite a scare. Admittedly I was not paying attention to our surroundings because I was doing the thing I did not want to do so was deep in shock and prayer to keep us safe. As we turned the corner to go down our dock, we were met face to face with a crane. Lovely animal--but not at 1 am! Stands almost as tall as I am. We scared that crane who then squawked at us (WAAAKKKKKK) and flew away--the only thing I can think is imagine being greeted by a pterodactyl! I know Ginger was thinking what the world??? Well, I screamed crazy, and Ginger took off, leapt onto the boat, through the hatch, into bed, and shook for about an hour. So, she did not want a repeat performance. Neither did I. I coaxed her down the dock into bed.

In all honesty, if my children were present I would somehow have made it fun for them. They wouldn't have been on the walk, but if they were directly part of it in any way we would have turned it into an adventure. It's what I do for them, and what has made boat life bearable for me. The first year I did not like the heavy winds blowing through--shook the boat, the wind actually howls, it's cold, it's terrible, and I acknowledge I do not love it, but I tried to make it fun for them. Now this season, my neighbors laugh because we are having wind parties--somehow for my little family heavy winds have become energizing and a time for celebration. That's what I do for them, because I don't want to pass on my fears, I reframe them to something workable, then they turn to fun. So, in this instance we'd be like Indiana Jones, but on a crane expedition:)

The only thing I really wanted to do today with my little bit of time in between sleeping and picking my children up from school, was to take Ginger to the beach. It is a beautiful sunny day, the sky is clear blue, it's about 70 degrees--perfect beach weather. I was thinking the whole what makes a person a phenomenal woman thread...when we got to the beach I had to use the restroom. Well, Ginger was not going into the restroom. Here is the scene. It was about 8am, the restrooms are a little shack by the parking lot, they are usually in disarray, the parking lot is full of surfers and I am convincing Ginger to please go into one with me. I can't leave her outside, and I really really have to go. I pretty much drag us both in there--very dark, loud fan, I'm thinking how unwise to lock a pit/bull boxer mix against her will into a very small area with me. Even if she does love me :) So, I do what I do best...I talk to her....Kind of like this..."Now Ginger, it's okay, you're safe..I know it's a scary place, but you're okay, just be patient, oh you're a good girl, aren't you a pretty one, oh yes, little pretty one, see that was quick, it's okay...." in my cute little talk to your dog voice. Can you see where this is going? Because it set the tone for the rest of my day. I know that I am talking to a dog, they (everyone else), think I am talking to......myself...And I know this because I began to hear giggling..and I still had to open the door to come out, and there were actually looks of relief when Ginger followed me out.....

And I laughed, and my heart was happy because I walked and played and basked in the sun with Ginger on my comfort beach. And this very cute story would not have been possible at all even two weeks ago, because there was no Ginger; and it wasn't possible at all last year when Ginger was offered to me because my heart wasn't open enough to take her; and it wasn't possible at all three years ago because I was too afraid to even dream.....

To end my little anecdote-- upon arriving home, Ginger and I always go through the front hatch. Well, the front hatch is above the v-berth where I sleep. So, with the hatch open, sun streaming in, cool gentle breeze, already pretty much in my bed, I lay there and pet Ginger and let the warmth of the sun caress my face. And my only thought was pure contentment. Utter bliss. I have chores and responsibilities, hurts and disappointments, challenges just as everyone else. But this, this I have that no one can possibly touch--I have pure contentment, utter bliss, faith and joy, peace and love. I have no idea where my path is headed, but I do know there is no where else I'd rather be.

Much peace.......

Amazing....

when you stand looking at the islands, the hills of Ojai are on your right

Ventura Harbor beach--my comfort beach

This morning I took Ginger to my comfort beach. Just Ginger and I walking along my favorite stretch of beach. I stopped right in the area where the harbor opens to the ocean and I can see my islands. The hills of Ojai on my right. Expanse of beach stretching out on my left. All radiating in the early morning sun. We played, we ran, we sat, and I pet her and loved on her and I thanked God and the universe for the absolute glory of those moments. I couldn't figure out how to get our picture together, but that's okay because it is one of my favorite lifetime moments that I will carry in my heart and remember the happiness forever. I stepped out on a limb, put my heart right out there on my sleeve, and what a beautiful reward:) I know this is just the beginning.

The significance is that my long time dream for the last few years has been to be a healthy, vibrant (and pregnant) woman sitting on that beach with my dog happily playing in the sand while my children are at school and my loved one is at work. I would be taking a break from tending to my shop--some kind of healing shop. And then I'd return home to our boat where my children and loved one would gather and we'd have an excellent evening with our water toys, kayaking, hiking, something fun, then our responsibilities--homework, chores and such--and that would be the basic structure of my life. You can understand the apparent impossibility of it since it's been the children and I and the boat, and I work at the hospital. But, I've had this specific dream for three years and I've done my best lately at growing and reaching, and honestly this morning was something I'd considered nearly impossible. I was sitting on my comfort beach basking in the sun with my dog playing happily in the sand. Humming praise songs. Because the impossible was clearly possible--I just had to be open to it. No adjectives to describe that feeling!

I've been thinking a lot about faith lately. Faith and trust in general, not necessarily in a religious sense. I motice that some people cut corners and compromise yet seem to live large and full, while I struggle to stay mindful and stoke my inner fire with running and yoga and creativity, and to raise my children in love and faith; it can be uphill, it can be frustrating, it can be lonely at times. But I promised myself I'd stay authentic and true, and that has led to so much change; the only constant my entire life is my faith. My faith in God and the Universe and that fact that it truly all is guided and works as it's supposed to. My faith that if I stay true to my path, it will lead to abundance of peace and joy.

The idea of faith and trust really came to light when Ginger arrived, just one week ago. It was a huge risk for me to open my heart and my life again to my wise friend, and now to Ginger. I didn't want to love either one and experience the risk or disappointment of loss. When I am afraid, I tend to push people away, so now when those feelings come I sit in it, then let it go--it takes much effort, and courage to stand where I presently am. It takes great faith. And I'm finding the current rewards are tremendous. Still risky though.

So, for Ginger and faith. She must greatly miss my wise friend--his manner, his voice, his being. She was with him for so long--they were best friends. When he visits, she lights up. But, as much as she misses him, she loves on me and has transitioned well to the boat. She can't climb the companion way stairs to get in and out of the boat, so has learned to jump in my arms and I tenderly 'catapult' her up and out of the boat. (The only word I can describe how we do this, and not very healthy for me to lift her 55 pounds over my head, but I love her). She trusts me to lead her off the security of the boat to the boat steps on the dock. And she trusts me to lead her securely back onto the boat and through the front hatch. It must be scary to be Ginger looking at these new ways to get in and out of something sitting on water. But she does it joyfully. I don't have a set schedule, but we have a mini routine for feeding and walking, and lots of spontaneity around it. The kids come and go. She lovingly stays by my side throughout it all, and trusts me to guide her through. Whatever guardedness I had around my heart is gone--I love her so much; she is a gem and one of the best parts of my life. It is my pleasure to take care of her--even though on the mornings I work we walk at 4 am and it's dark and cold and a bit scary, even though I never knew I would stomach picking up poo, even though she's heavy and it hurts to lift her, even though she snores loudly and consistently--I take joy at her presence in my life and it is my pleasure that she is here. Isn't that how true love is--the immense pleasure far outweighs and diminishes any discomfort in loving.

I am sure that this newfound level of openness will continue to light my life and result in more change. I've had so much change lately that even the good is sometimes overwhelming, so I am learning to sit in it a bit. Sit and let it happen. My wise friend says that sometimes I try too hard. I understand how one could perceive that, but my actual truth is that lately I give it to God and the Universe and I let them work their magic while I try very little. I know to rise and write my morning pages, to be quiet and set the intention for my day. I know to end my day with praise and gratitude. When I let those lapse my worries overtake me, so even if I have to rise at 330 am--which has been exhausting-- I know it's important for me to keep on track. Other than that I put in effort where it should be, but lots around me has been quite effortless. I watch in wonder as standing in faith and being open leads to achieving impossible dreams.

I have been reading a few books lately. One of my favorites that I've been referring to often is "Taking the Leap--Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears" by Pema Chodron. Well, because if you read my blog, I'm all about "leaping"--although lately they've been very big huge leaps and I've needed resources such as this book to remind me that all will be well. It's hard, very hard to let go especially when something is comfortable, but it's so rewarding to be free to experience whatever is next. One of my favorite passages talks about pain and how to deal with it. (pg 54-55)

"A few years ago I was overwhelmed by deep anxiety, a fundamental, intense anxiety with no storyline attached. I felt very vulnerable, very afraid, very raw. While I sat and breathed with it, relaxed into it, stayed with it, the terror did not abate. It was unrelenting even after many days, and I didn't know what to do"

Boy can I relate to that. There are times when I've felt that unshakable grip that remained even after I did all that I knew to be right to remove it, let it go. It's a personal choice to then let it remain, or deal with it even farther to continue to grow and heal. My past self would often stay right there because even if it hurt, it felt comfortable, I knew what it was and could work around it--even if it weighted me down. My new self says lets examine it further and see where it takes me. There must be a lesson attached, and it must lead to something cool to experience, and weighty is too cumbersome for "leaping" so I need to deal with it.

"I went to see my teacher...and he said "Oh I know that place." That was reassuring. He told me about times in his life when he had been caught in the same way. He said it had been an important part of his journey and had been a great teacher for him...He asked me to describe what I was experiencing...where I felt it...if it hurt physically...the quality of the sensation....then..he said"Ani Pema, that's the Dakini Bliss. That's a high level of spiritual bliss." I almost fell off my chair.....I couldn't wait to feel that intensity again...When I eagerly sat down to practice, of course, since the resistance was gone, so was the anxiety."

Oh, so it's perspective then. And instead of resisting--which I've done my entire life because I do not like feeling negative--it's remaining open and leaning fully into it. Examine every piece and it loses it's power--evaporates as light and truth hit it. Wow.

"..so that's what I learned: take an interest in your pain and your fear. Move closer, lean in, get curious; even for a moment experience the feelings beyond labels, beyond being good or bad. Welcome them. Invite them. Do anything that helps melt the resistance. Then the next time you lose heart and you can't bear to experience what you're feeling, you might recall this instruction:change the way you see it and lean in. ....."

Much peace:)

No Greater Love

My heart is serene and peaceful, and I'd like to share that with you...




"Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year. The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again." -Menachem Mendel Schneerson

The sunset last night was phenomenal--lit up the sky in such a radiant, beautiful way! Yesterday was my wise friend's birthday--I think God planned such a spectacular sunset to say: yes, wise one I see you, I love you, and I have amazing plans for you....So, Happy Birthday wise friend, lots of love and good wishes to you:)

And, yesterday was my very good friend's birthday as well...what do I call her? Peaceful friend, gentle spirited friend, kind friend....For her birthday, I asked if I could cook dinner at her house. It is my absolute pleasure to share my talent in the kitchen, definitely makes my heart happy. I think of whom I'm cooking for and cook with love and care; in this case, dinner was fantastic. And my heart was happy. Glad to share food with friends, and very glad when my talents can bring a smile to someone. I think the entire house was smiling :)

In this week of so very much, I tried to stay true to what I know. To begin each day in praise and meditation to set the intention for positive and good; to appreciate the moments when I'm walking Ginger; to do my best at work; to have quality time with the children; to enjoy moments with my friends; to read a bit each day; to write a bit each day; to eat healthy and try to get enough rest; to be mindful not to cut corners if I was exhausted, confused, or sad. To end each day with thanksgiving for the good in it, and to rest peacefully for the next day. To be gentle as I continue to embrace every step of this journey. Some days had a much better flow than others; but I did my absolute best. And I am glad for that.

The one song that keeps popping into my mind is Rachel Lampa's "No Greater Love". I don't know how to add music to my post, but if you look her up I think you will love it. For now, I will leave you with the lyrics....God blesses and guides and provides and I am very thankful to be exactly where I am:

No Greater Love:

Before I knew your name
You knew my every breath
Before I found my way
You knew my every step
before I knew everything that I need
You gave it all to me
Chorus: No great er love than this
Than you should lay down your life
For someone such as me
I'd spend a lifetime wondering why
The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love
Than this.

I never understood
how merciful love could be
Until I felt His flame
Light every part of me
And I would give everything that I am
Cause I have been saved
Yes I have been saved

(Chorus)
The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love
For someone such as me
No greater love
Than this

Thank you God for all of the blessings in my life, thank you Universe for energy and spirit. I love you Kev and K8, wise friend and Ginger, peaceful friend and yoga friend......it's been an amazing week:)
Much peace and beauty this weekend.....

Mosaic Monday

"I would rather have eyes that cannot see, ears that cannot hear, lips that cannot speak than a heart that cannot love" -Robert Tizen

My yoga practice directly impacts my life; as I challenge myself in class, it somehow correlates to life. Exactly seven days ago, my teacher guided me (us) to open our heart chakra. I literally thought, oh great here we go! Wasn't sure I'd be ready for this challenge. And boy has my heart opened. Full and huge.

My last post was written in fear. Fear and doubt. I had leapt off the cliff by accepting Ginger, and my wise friend, into my life, my children's lives. Huge, significant leap. Definitely stretched my faith, and I spent the entire day surrendering, then re-surrendering when I found I hadn't truly surrendered. It was a huge exercise in faith, and a huge exercise in trust. I almost failed. Then, I was able to truly surrender, to leap big and large and decide to open my heart fully. There was a moment that I felt my heart was right, and that moment changed everything. So I accept this part of my journey fully. The weekend had a flow that was amazing. Ginger is exactly the teddy bear I knew she would be. I love her, absolutely love her. My wise friend, exactly the energy and happiness I fully enjoy, I love my wise friend, absolutely. My son, blossomed--unexpectedly--bonded hugely with Ginger and has grown even in the few days she's been part of our family. My daughter--unexpectedly feels challenged/dethroned--so this is a huge learning opportunity for her. Love my children immensely, and apparently this is the first time they can remember that I've loved fully outside of them.

I spent this entire weekend enjoying Ginger--enjoying our walks, laying together in the cockpit, showing her around. I spent this entire weekend showing my son I love him by letting him blossom in ways he wanted to challenge himself personally; I am so proud of his strides. I spent this entire weekend reassuring my daughter I love her with all of my heart. I spent a good portion of this weekend enjoying the blessings within our life--the sunshine, our backyard, bowling, hanging out at home, talking with our neighbors, making lunch for my wise friend--things that make my heart happy.

The bottom line is this. My heart is happy. Despite the need for reassurance to my children, and the added responsibility of the dog, despite the apparent risk in resuming my friendship with my wise friend--I have said and shown I love you in so many ways. When I tuck into bed, Ginger cuddles and kisses and snuggles right in. When I interact with the kids we hug and kiss and love on each other, and play together. When I spend time with my wise friend, my heart is happy, and I effortlessly share. When I went to church, it was with an open heart, and I gave sincere praise. The rewards of leaping--abundant and huge, and life changing. I can find my way--I follow my heart. For a few moments I let others lead me to doubt.

"The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye, but found by the heart"


In honor of "Mosaic Monday" these are the places I would love to visit in my lifetime (clockwise from left): Santorini, Greece; Raratonga in the Cook Islands, Westminster Abbey, and Victoria Falls. I have found a peace I knew existed; one I've worked hard to be ready for and open to. When I have moments of doubt, I focus on the good, and let my heart's smile lighten any shadows. I know to dream and dream big--I cannot wait to visit these places and enjoy all that they have to offer. I know it is very possible, and I just need to be open to God's guiding and the Universe providing.

Much peace......